In the beginning of relationships, we focus on each other’s needs and are sensitive and highly aware of each other. Our personality differences enrich our experiences together and we focus on all the similarities we have. Our values are in alignment and our fundamental emotional needs are being met. We feel compatible. We open our hearts and ourselves to be more vulnerable. When we feel the other person “really gets us”, we feel connected, happy and in love.
After the honeymoon state of approximately three months, our natural instinct begins to refocus on ourselves and getting our own needs met. Life happens, we get busy with work, activities, kids, etc.
We are unable to maintain that intensity and high level of awareness. If we are unaware of each other’s personality fundamental emotional needs, even with the best intentions, we will be unable to meet our partner's needs satisfactorily.
Frustration and resentment begins to build….”You knew how to make me happy in the beginning, why won’t you do that now?” You begin to blame each other when really neither one of you knows what will make you happy. You begin to separate and pull back from each other.
Your connection and emotional happiness depends on knowing what your needs are, being able to communicate them and meeting the needs of your partner too. Both needs matter and often you want them met at the same time. That’s when conflict arises.
It doesn’t make sense to us when our partner acts or reacts a certain way. Even when we ask clearly, “Why would that be important to you? I don’t need that so why do you?”
Why does the 2-Supporter need to compulsively help, the 3-Achiever to work all the time, the 6-Questioner to need assurance, the 9-Peace Seeker needing harmony over all else? It is all wired in our personality from the age of five when our personality was formed to survive and get the most attention. Then we create patterns that become unconscious.
Are you aware that you are conscious only about 15% of the time…and unconscious 85% operating from old information and patterns?
Understanding the personality dynamics of your two personalities helps you to understand how each of you feel loved and valued. Loving partners will then be able to support each other through their growth and insecurities which we often attempt to hide. Giving to each other in a way you need feels loving. Understanding your personality loving styles will create a deeper, more loving connection together.
If Single, when you know what your fundamental emotional needs are, and the patterns of the other personalities, it will help you become clear on which personality will make you the happiest and the possibilities for connection and growth together. You will date smarter and with more confidence when you know what you bring to relationships.
When you get what is really going on and why, you can change your patterns to be more loving. This is why I am passionate about teaching The Enneagram. It helps you de-mystify relationship and create connection and love.
For more information: www.eileenhead.com